Da Nile and a Reminder

Last week I was getting pretty discouraged (could you tell) because it yet again appeared that, like with China, our decision to pursue adoption from Nepal had corresponded with a grinding halt to adoptions from that country. I didn't doubt our decision or ask God, "Why this again?" but I did regret making our decision public because all of a sudden happy well wishers made me want to poke somebody's eyes out. (I clearly have issues, I know).

See, I am really good at blocking hurtful things out (or rather pushing them down) and it's hard to do that when other people want to talk about it. (What river in Egypt?) For the Lily process, I was able to stay mostly sane when other China moms appeared to be falling apart at the seams, and the more moms I saw fall apart, the more fervently I prayed that God would keep my wheels from falling off (in public anyway). And though I gave Him all the glory for keeping me sane during the "one year process" that took 3 years, I also know there was a lot of pride associated with my ability to hold it together on the outside. Ooh, layering sin on top of hurt-- never a good idea. I've come to realize that those other moms who I just thought were way too emotional and had far too much time on their hands, were probably in fact a lot better off for being honest about how hard an unpredictable wait was on the sanity. And the waistline. And the husband. But mostly the heart.

So there you go. I've lost all sense of proper tough girl decorum and I'm admitting that I am miserably afraid of another long and unpredictable adoption process. I also know that God said a lot in the Bible to His warriors who were about to dive into something scary at His bidding, including, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9) Even into denial?

No, that's not where He wants me to go, so He's helping me live in reality by showing me little (and big) glimpses of His hand on this adoption. Guess what He did last week? Two days after I wrote a check to USCIS (Immigration), we recieved a check for exactly $20 more than the check to USCIS for some work Kyle did with his dad the week before. Reminds me of Lily's favorite bedtime song these days: "God is so good, He is good to me. Glory Hallelujah, He is good to me."

why I'm not buying boy clothes yet...

Read this article to get more info about what seems to be happening-- or not happening-- in Nepal at the moment. It doesn't make me feel very secure in sending a huge check to them when our dossier is completed (August or September). And this is also why I'm not quoting their original estimate of 6-12 months anymore-- in fact I wish I never repeated that estimate-- and instead I've been saying "probably a couple of years." I'm just hoping I'm not kicking myself in 2 years for making that projection...